12 signs that you have had
too much of the 90's
1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
5. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
6. You chat several times a day with a stranger in South Africa, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
7. You didn't give your wife a valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page.
8. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records you used to play.
9. You check the ingredients of a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
10. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
11. Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox, asking to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone IS home.
Some Council From
1. Never kick a
fresh cow chip on a hot day.
two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither
3. Don't worry about bitin'
off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a
person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask
a man the size of his spread.
eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt
so good he started roaring. He kept it up
until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral: When you're full of bull, keep your
7. If you find yourself in a
hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
8. Never smack a man who's chewin'
9. It don't take a genius to
spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a
11. Good judgment comes from
experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
12. Always drink upstream from
13. Never drop your gun to hug
14. If you're ridin' ahead
of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a
critter or a person, don't be surprised if
they learn their lesson.
you're throwin' your weight around, be ready
to have it thrown around by somebody else.
17. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a
whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about
to eat. It's not so important to know what it
is, but it's real important to know what it
19. The quickest way to double
your money is to fold it over and put it back
in your pocket.
TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove more hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGAHERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry
too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICROCHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang truck
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member
whut ya paid fer the rifle
Senior Citizens :))
Now that I'm
older....here's what I've discovered:
STARTED out with nothing....I still have most
When did my wild oats turn to
prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my
head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent
All reports are in. Life is now
If all is not lost,
It is easier to get older than it
is to get wiser.
I went to school to
become a wit, only got half-way through..
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
It's hard to make a comeback when you
haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me
to touch my toes he would have put them on my
Health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.
not hard to meet expenses... they're
Why Men Can't Win :))
If you work too hard, there is never any time
for her. If you don't work enough, you're a
If she has a boring repetitive job with low
pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring
repetitive job with low pay, you should get
off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's
favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you,
it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's
sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting
her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a
decision without consulting you, she's a
If you ask her to do something she doesn't
enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you,
it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after
something. If you don't, you're not
If you're proud of your achievements, you're
an egotist. If you're not, you're not
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her
Dogs Teach Us"
*TAKE PLENTY OF WALKS AND NAPS
*DRINK LOTS OF WATER
*DON'T THINK TOO MUCH
*NEVER BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU
*BARK WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT
*STOP TO SMELL THE ROSES - AND THE GRASS, AND
*MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE IN THE
*DON'T GO FOR A RUN WITHOUT YOUR I.D.
*MAKE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE FEEL WELCOME WHEN
THEY COME HOME
*WAG YOUR TAIL (SMILE AND
LAUGH ALOT) - IT'S GOOD EXERCISE FOR THE BODY
*EVERY NOW AND THEN, STAND OUT IN THE RAIN
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other
two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where
your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
-- and fun a lot more work.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest
than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing
at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
A man has reached middle age when he is
cautioned to slow down
by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you
realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old
because you stop laughing.
The aging process could be slowed down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a
rocker and you can't get it started.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my
"Joys of Womanhood"
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for
they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of
frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you
One of the life's mysteries is how a two
pound box of candy can
make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the
answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have
all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes
age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to
Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.
Sometimes I think I
then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the
loser gets anything.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do
with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My
thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your
closet for a while, and it shrinks
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back
down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or
The only time a woman wishes she were a year
older is when she is expecting a
Freedom of the press means no-iron
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling
to get out, but she can usually
be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is
"DESSERTS" spelled backwards
"Joys of Being a Man"
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds
A five-day vacation requires only one
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you
You can go to the bathroom without a support
You don't have to learn to spell a new last
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to
something, he or she can still be your
Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the
meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy
for hours without ever thinking: "He must be
mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - $75
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without
having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the
same outfit, you just might become lifelong
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you
with. "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of
more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color,
You can "do" your nails with a
You have freedom of choice concerning growing
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
relatives, on December 24th, in 45
Ahhhhhhh the joys of being a MAN....:-)
Good ol lessons from the old west
GUIDE TO LIFE
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
A good horse never comes in a bad color.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...........The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to to know what it
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
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