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2. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
5. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
6. You chat several times a day with a stranger in South Africa, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
7. You didn't give your wife a valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page.
8. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records you used to play.
9. You check the ingredients of a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
10. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
11. Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox, asking to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone IS home.
2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
8. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
9. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
10. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
11. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
12. Always drink upstream from the herd.
13. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
14. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
15. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
16. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
17. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
18. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's real important to know what it was.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGAHERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICROCHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle
| Senior Citizens :)) |
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I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through..
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. ..................................:-))
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
*DRINK LOTS OF WATER
*DON'T THINK TOO MUCH
*NEVER BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU
*BARK WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT
*STOP TO SMELL THE ROSES - AND THE GRASS, AND THE TREES
*MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
*DON'T GO FOR A RUN WITHOUT YOUR I.D.
*MAKE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE FEEL WELCOME WHEN THEY COME HOME
*WAG YOUR TAIL (SMILE AND
LAUGH ALOT) - IT'S GOOD EXERCISE FOR THE BODY
AND SOUL.
*EVERY NOW AND THEN, STAND OUT IN THE RAIN
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
-- and fun a lot more work.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money
.........................:)
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - $75 You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Ahhhhhhh the joys of being a MAN....:-)
GUIDE TO LIFE
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
A good horse never comes in a bad color.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...........The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
